How to Listen to a Mate Without Trying to 'Fix' Them (And Why It's Not Your Job to Fix Them)
We’ve all been there. A mate opens up about something they’re struggling with, and our first instinct is to jump in with solutions. We want to help, to fix things, to make it all better. But here’s the thing—most of the time, our mates don’t need fixing. They need listening.
Why We Try to Fix
It’s natural to want to help someone we care about. When we see a friend in pain, we feel uncomfortable, and our brains immediately search for a way to make that discomfort go away—for them and for us. Offering advice or solutions feels like taking action, but it can sometimes make the other person feel unheard, dismissed, or even more overwhelmed.
The Problem with Fixing
It Shifts the Focus Away from Them – When we jump in with solutions, we’re taking the conversation away from their experience and making it about what we think should happen.
It Can Feel Dismissive – If a mate is sharing something deeply personal, a quick “just do this” response can make them feel like their feelings don’t matter as much as the solution.
It Can Be Overwhelming – If someone is already struggling, a flood of advice might feel like another burden rather than a relief.
It Misses the Core Need – Most of the time, people open up because they need to be heard, not because they need a step-by-step plan to fix their lives.
How to Listen Without Fixing
Instead of jumping into solution mode, try these approaches:
Just Be Present – Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply sit with someone in their feelings. Your presence alone can be comforting.
Use Active Listening – Nodding, making eye contact, and using short responses like “That sounds really tough” or “I hear you” can validate their feelings without redirecting the conversation.
Ask Open-Ended Questions – Instead of offering solutions, try asking:
“How does that make you feel?”
“What’s been the hardest part for you?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
Acknowledge Their Emotions – Simple statements like “That sounds really difficult” or “I can see why that would be frustrating” show that you understand and care.
Hold Space Without Judgment – Let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling. Sometimes, just having a safe space to vent can be more powerful than any advice.
Ask If They Want Help Before Offering It – If you do feel the urge to give advice, ask first: “Do you want my thoughts on this, or do you just need me to listen?” Giving them control over the conversation can make a huge difference.
Why It’s Not Your Job to Fix Them
People Are Capable of Their Own Growth – Trust that your mate has the ability to navigate their own challenges.
Emotional Support Is More Valuable Than Solutions – Being heard and validated can often lead someone to their own insights and solutions.
Your Job Is to Be a Mate, Not a Therapist – You don’t need to have all the answers; you just need to be there.
The Takeaway
Being a good mate doesn’t mean fixing someone’s problems—it means walking alongside them as they navigate their own path. The next time a mate opens up, take a deep breath, resist the urge to fix, and simply listen. Your support, presence, and understanding will mean more than any solution ever could.
Want more tips on supporting mates and yourself? Check out our resources at Hey Mate. We’re here to help, no fixing required.
